[SpookyZalost]

for those who work in IT I know you've gotten the worst of the worst when it comes to customer calls, well here's a site I've known about for a while, great for laughs, and for those who don't work in IT, you might just enjoy it too.

http://www.techtales.com/

have fun

[Guardian]

Oh yes, plenty of these! I could get lost in them. Pretty hilarious.

[Darth-Apple]

http://www.techtales.com/feature.php?i=3

I don't even...

[SpookyZalost]

hans squeaky: yeah honestly I'd probably post some of my own but well government stuff you know? lol... and yes this sorta stupidity is all too common even with my end users.

I'm pretty sure this is how most end users see IT guys.

[Guardian]

http://www.techtales.com/feature.php?i=3

I don't even...

  Sounds like someone needs to take a vacation.

[Darth-Apple]

Jesus christ...

[SpookyZalost]

I've literally had people back when I was going out to homes to install TV's and stuff call because their HDMI cable had been unplugged by the dog and they didn't want to mess within because "it's technical and I don't feel confident"

[Darth-Apple]

Ha. I bet making that phone call required some expertise...

[Guardian]

I've literally had people back when I was going out to homes to install TV's and stuff call because their HDMI cable had been unplugged by the dog and they didn't want to mess within because "it's technical and I don't feel confident"

Had that one with a printer! Power cable was unplugged. Just can't even...

[Darth-Apple]

I know somebody who doesn't even know the difference between scrolling up and scrolling down. So when this person is scrolling up a list this person starts at the bottom and scrolled up. It's... yeah.

[SpookyZalost]

hans: I keep explaining that one to my grandmother, and she is technical lol, she used to do mobo assembly back in the 1980's

[SpookyZalost]

hey here's a good one I just pulled off that site from 2009.

This is a Russian text with the title "what would have been if people drove the cars the way they work with computers". Sorry if there are translation mistakes - I have little car knowledge.

Tech support call.
Tech: Driver tech support. How may I serve you?
Driver: This My car doesn t start.
T: I see. What is the car s brand name, model, manufacture year?
D: I Don t know. I bought it to get to the market, why would I give a d***
T: Alright, alright, relax. Let s try to fix it without this information (sigh). Is there any fuel in the tank?
D: Hmm Fuel, you say How would I know?
T: look at the control panel. Where does the arrow point, E or F ?
D: Where is the control panel?
T: It should be tight behind the steering wheel, if you are sitting in the driver s chair.
D: Ah! I see... There are a lot of arrows here, which one should I look at?
T: Look at the one which has E or F written near it. There might be a gas station drawn near it as well.
D: Ahhh! I see. The arrow points at zero.
T: What do you mean zero?
D: Yes! Right at zero. And there is also x1000 written near the arrow. Is that the model of the car? X-1000?
T: (a deep sigh while rolling his eyes). No, that s not the fuel, that s the tachometer. It is supposed to point at zero if the car is not started. The fuel indicator is usually to the left and smaller that the tachometer, and it should have E written upon it, then a semicircle, then F .
D: Ahhh. I see, I see! The arrow is between E and F
T: Excellent! Then we know at least that you have fuel. Now let s check the battery. Do you see the steering wheel?
D: Yeah.
T: Press right in the middle of it
D: (A loud beep) Hey! Is it supposed to do that?
T: (rolls his eyes). Everything is allright, that s your honk. If it works, then the battery is fine. Now let s try to start the car.
D: Well, d***, I m telling you it doesn t start. That s why I m calling, moron.
T: (grits his teeth), Still, let s try again! Press the clutch pedal, press the brakes, and turn the key.
D: Hey-hey! From the beginning. Where is this catch pedal ?
T: CLUTCH under the steering wheel on the left. Did you find it?
D: Found it.
T: Press it down as far as it goes. Good. Now, do you see two pedals under the steering wheel to the right?
D: Yeah.
T: the one on the left is the brake. Press it. Did you?
D: Done.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: How would I do that, if I have both hands busy?
T: Excuse me?
D: I am pressing with the left hand on the catch, the right hand on the brake, how the hell am I supposed to turn the key?
T: (chokes from laughter). Allright, let s try again, but this time, press the pedals with your feet.
D: Feet? Is that possible?
T: (still chokes from laughter). Yes, it is.
D: Let s try Hey, that s much easier Why didn t you tell me right away?.. (some fuss is heard). Allright, I pressed it.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: Where is the ignition?
T: In the base of the steering wheel, to the right.
D: Hmmm. I have the hole, but there is no key there.
T: Well, put it in.
D: What?
T: (loses his patience) The ignition key!
D: How would I know which one is the ignition key?
T: (grabs his head) It is usually the biggest key in the bunch.
D: The bunch.
T: Yes, where you keep the rest of the keys.
D: Ahhh! Well, I lost it two days ago. So what, I need a key?
T: (throws down the receiver). Beeeeep
D: Hello???

[Guardian]

I'm dying!

[SpookyZalost]

maybe you should call human tech support! lol

here's another one I came across last night while digging between calls and such.

I don't remember where I ran across this, its totally fictional and especially funny if you pay particular attention to the *times* (time of day) of each log entry...


A HELP DESK LOG

Monday
08:05 am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

08:12 am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

08:14 am User from 805 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm Lunch

3:30 pm Return from lunch.

3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason.

Return to napping.

4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 am Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 1000am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am Lunch.

4:55 pm Return from lunch.

5:00 pm Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT.. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01 "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.

12:00 am Lunch.

1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 245 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend

[Darth-Apple]

Ugh well...

now that's a job I couldn't do

What even...

* Darth-Apple will be back. Currently setting password with minimum length 64 and checking ethernet.

[SpookyZalost]

Ugh well...

now that's a job I couldn't do

What even...

* Hans Squeaky will be back. Currently setting password with minimum length 64 and checking ethernet.

The Troll in IT

but it was rather funny lol.

[Guardian]

Ugh well...

now that's a job I couldn't do

What even...

* Hans Squeaky will be back. Currently setting password with minimum length 64 and checking ethernet.

Make sure to write it down! 

[SpookyZalost]

hey make sure you guys are all up to date... I think there's a rampant worm running around eating V3 which most of the world seems to be using.