August 14th, 2013 at 6:27 AM
So, I recently began writing my first book. I'm always looking for critique on the content. So here is what I have for chapter one (remember that its a book so it might seem rather long 
) I'm mainly looking for critique on the storyline, I know that there are some grammatical errors
As we made our way across the Nevada desert headed towards our new home, I took in a deep breath of appreciation. The desert was hot and plain but it was beautiful and quiet all the same. It stretched for hundreds of miles and it gave me a calming effect as we drove through it. The calming effect was needed because I was beyond the point of pissed off. For the past six months we’d been moving from one place to the next, never staying in the same place for longer than a month. We had lived in California, Washington, Colorado, Wyoming, Florida and Nevada. Now we were headed across country to some place in North Carolina. My birthday is in two weeks and I don’t have any friends or any family aside from my father to celebrate with.
My father looked over at me with an expression of concern on his face. “Starr,†he said, “Are you okay over there?†I didn’t answer him; I just stared out the window and ignored him. “Starr, I asked you a question, are you okay?†he repeated himself. “Why do you ask? What could possibly be wrong with me dad?†I asked sarcastically. He knew something was wrong but he didn’t push me to get a proper answer. He returned his attention to the road and all was silent again.
I wish mom was here. I thought to myself. My mom was killed when I was three years old. Dad doesn’t like to talk about it. The only thing that I know was that she was killed in an accident. Dad told me she was thrown from the car after it was wrapped around a tree. I always felt he was holding something back, not giving me the whole truth. If only she were here maybe we could live a normal life, I thought. Tired of the silence I reached over and turned on the radio. The music drowned my thoughts and killed the silence in a way that I could clear my head and go back to appreciating the scenery on our drive.
Starring out the window listening to music I was oblivious to what was going on. Dad slammed on the brakes, which is what got my attention. I saw a man in a long dark trench coat standing in the middle of the highway. “Dad, What the…†Before I even finished my sentence, the man had ripped my door off of the hinges and was trying to pull me out of the car. “Let go of me!†I screamed. The look on the man’s face told me he felt pleasure in hearing me scream at him. I took a minute to take in his features. He was beautiful, fluid in movement, and he had the deepest prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. He had platinum blond hair and was extremely muscular. Looking into his eyes, it seemed as though I was looking into the crystal blue ocean. Just then he grabbed me and ripped me out of the car. The force of the seat belt tearing as I was pulled from the vehicle left a bruise across my chest. All of the muscles in my body ached and I was having trouble breathing.
“Dad, help me!†I yelled out. “Starr, calm down…†Dad said as another person appeared out of thin air ripping his door from its hinges. “Leave him alone,†I yelled. I kicked the man that was holding me right behind the knee. He fell to the ground for a mere second, which was all I needed, I ran towards my dad. The moment I reached my father the man grabbed me by the throat just hard enough to keep me still but, not hard enough to drain my life. He turned me around to face the woman. She was just as beautiful as he was. She had deep crystal blue eyes, long wavy blond hair; she was petite with the perfect curves. She was what every woman dreamt of being. She was confident. “She’s a handful,†the man said to her. “Tristan, she will be more powerful than you or I, of course she’s a handful,†the woman said. I took a deep breath; she will be more powerful than you or I? I repeated the words in my head. I had no idea what she was talking about. I am fifteen years old, I’m just a kid.
In a moment I snapped back to reality. The only thing I was sure of was the moment. My captor, Tristan, had me by the throat facing the woman who had my father by the throat. I heard a loud bang and within seconds the sky around us had turned grey. It was so grey it was almost black. In the center of that blackness the clouds were spinning so fast it looked as though a tornado was forming. The woman looked to the sky and a vortex opened. It seemed to resemble a portal of some kind. I could see purple, blue, and white flashes of color with in it. The woman had a look of content on her face. She looked over to Tristan and said “it is time.†He held on tighter and forced my gaze into the direction of the woman. The next thing I noticed the woman had a knife to my father’s throat. “No,†I screamed. “Leave him alone!†Tristan held onto me tighter. I kicked backwards at him; I tried to kick myself free. The more I squirmed, the tighter he held on to me. In one quick smooth motion the woman slit my father’s throat. Blood ran from his neck down the front of him. I heard another loud bang and Tristan let me go as he and the woman floated into the center of the storm. Almost simultaneously, as I heard the loud noise I hit the ground hard. I scrambled to my feet and ran over to my dad. He was laying there covered in blood. I tore a piece off of the bottom of my shirt and tried to apply pressure to the cut in his throat but it wasn’t working. “Starr,†he said “I’m sorry…†He started choking and gasping for breath and as I held him in my arms I saw the light escape his eyes. He was gone.
I sat there crying for what seemed like hours. The exhaustion was catching up with me. I couldn’t cry anymore, I couldn’t stay awake. As I lay on the asphalt next to my father, I curled up to him and whispered, “I love you dad!†Just as soon as I said it, the sky had cleared and a piece of debris hit me in my head and knocked me unconscious.
When I woke up, I was lying in a hospital bed with no recollection of how I’d gotten there. I tried to sit up, but every muscle in my body hurt. My chest felt like a weight was pressing down on top of it and my head felt like it was going to explode. I looked down at my left arm and there was an IV there. There was an oxygen mask on my face, which I took off immediately after I realized it was there. There was a woman talking to a doctor in the hallway. I knew they were talking about me because they kept pointing in the room towards my general direction and whispering in low voices as if they were afraid I would hear them. I looked towards the window to my left and noticed the sun. It was day light. The sun was beaming into my room, it beamed right onto the tip of my nose and caused my immediate reaction, I sneezed. The woman and the doctor stopped talking and looked at me for a moment amazed to see that I was awake. As the woman turned to look into the room, I nearly recognized her. She had long curly dark red hair, bright green eyes; she was fairly tall and curvy. She had a tiny little nose with a piercing and she had a bright full smile. Is that my mom? It can’t be she died when I was three, I said to myself. At that moment, the woman must have understood the confused expression on my face, because she and the doctor walked into the room.
“Starr, How are you feeling?†the doctor asked. I replied, “I feel okay I guess. I mean my head is killing me, I feel weak, and my chest feels like a building is sitting on top of it.†The doctor looked at me as though he were taking in every word I said. “Do you remember what happened,†asked the doctor? “No,†I lied. I remembered everything that happened before I was knocked unconscious, though I wasn’t stupid enough to tell the doctor. He’d think I was crazy, probably lock me up in a nut house for the rest of my life. “What’s wrong with me?†I finally asked. “You have a mild concussion, three broken ribs, and a huge gash on your leg that is going to take some time to heal,†the doctor replied. “How long have I been out?†I asked. “Two weeks,†the doctor said. What had happened to me? How was I knocked out for two weeks with no recollection of anything that happened after my father was killed? Two weeks! My birthday is in two days, this is great! I thought to myself. The doctor asked me a few more questions and then walked out of the room to consult with the team of doctors who had been working on me.
The woman had stayed behind; she had a bright smile on her face. She approached me and as she got closer I realized she was more beautiful up close. Her face had perfect form, her eyes were a perfect bright green color, her smile was full and bright, and she had this sense of confidence I’d seen before. I saw it in the woman that killed my father. Who was this woman and what did she want? Almost as if she had read my thoughts she spoke, “Hello Starr, I’m Clarissa Sinclair. I’m your mother’s sister, which makes me your aunt.†“Um… I didn’t know my mom had a sister,†I said to her. “Your father never told you about me?†She asked. “No, he didn’t talk about mom much at all let alone her family,†I said. She thought over my words for a moment before speaking again. “I find it strange that he didn’t tell you about me when you were headed to my house to stay indefinitely,†she said. “Wait you live in North Carolina? Why were we coming to live with you?†I asked. She thought again about what I had asked her, not sure if she wanted to tell me the answer that was truth, or the answer that I wanted to hear. “Your father was bringing you to my house to ensure your safety. He was going to drop you off and try to take care of the threat so that you would no longer be in harm’s way,†she said. I looked at her dumbfounded and confused for a moment. I let what she had said sink in, and then I thought about her words and the words of the woman who took my father’s life. Clarissa saw the look on my face, she knew it all too well the look of confusion. She said, “I know you are confused and I’m sure you have a lot of questions. What do you say we get the doctor and see how long before I can take you home? I’ll answer any of your questions after we leave this place. I hate hospitals.†After a few moments of starring at her, “sure,†I agreed.
After what seemed like forever, Clarissa returned with the doctor on her heals. I looked from the doctor to her and then back again. “We are going to keep you here overnight for observation since you are now awake. If everything stays the same we will allow for you to leave with your aunt tomorrow,†the doctor said. In my mind I protested. I hated doctors and hospitals and anything that was related to either. “Okay,†I agreed. The doctor left the room again and Clarissa pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down next to me. She stared at me for a moment and then she said, “Starr, you look just like your mother.†“Funny, I was going to say the same thing about you,†I retorted. Clarissa got up from the chair and started walking towards the door. “Clarissa, thank you for coming all this way,†I said. “You’re welcome sweetie, get some rest, tomorrow we will go home and we can talk. I’ll be right out here if you need me,†she said. As the door closed, I felt myself growing fond of her. Something about her drew me to her and I couldn’t quite figure out what that was. As my mind was racing about things that were unknown, my body gave way and I drifted off in to slumber land not knowing what an adventure the coming days were going to bring me.
) I'm mainly looking for critique on the storyline, I know that there are some grammatical errors Chapter 1
As we made our way across the Nevada desert headed towards our new home, I took in a deep breath of appreciation. The desert was hot and plain but it was beautiful and quiet all the same. It stretched for hundreds of miles and it gave me a calming effect as we drove through it. The calming effect was needed because I was beyond the point of pissed off. For the past six months we’d been moving from one place to the next, never staying in the same place for longer than a month. We had lived in California, Washington, Colorado, Wyoming, Florida and Nevada. Now we were headed across country to some place in North Carolina. My birthday is in two weeks and I don’t have any friends or any family aside from my father to celebrate with.
My father looked over at me with an expression of concern on his face. “Starr,†he said, “Are you okay over there?†I didn’t answer him; I just stared out the window and ignored him. “Starr, I asked you a question, are you okay?†he repeated himself. “Why do you ask? What could possibly be wrong with me dad?†I asked sarcastically. He knew something was wrong but he didn’t push me to get a proper answer. He returned his attention to the road and all was silent again.
I wish mom was here. I thought to myself. My mom was killed when I was three years old. Dad doesn’t like to talk about it. The only thing that I know was that she was killed in an accident. Dad told me she was thrown from the car after it was wrapped around a tree. I always felt he was holding something back, not giving me the whole truth. If only she were here maybe we could live a normal life, I thought. Tired of the silence I reached over and turned on the radio. The music drowned my thoughts and killed the silence in a way that I could clear my head and go back to appreciating the scenery on our drive.
Starring out the window listening to music I was oblivious to what was going on. Dad slammed on the brakes, which is what got my attention. I saw a man in a long dark trench coat standing in the middle of the highway. “Dad, What the…†Before I even finished my sentence, the man had ripped my door off of the hinges and was trying to pull me out of the car. “Let go of me!†I screamed. The look on the man’s face told me he felt pleasure in hearing me scream at him. I took a minute to take in his features. He was beautiful, fluid in movement, and he had the deepest prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. He had platinum blond hair and was extremely muscular. Looking into his eyes, it seemed as though I was looking into the crystal blue ocean. Just then he grabbed me and ripped me out of the car. The force of the seat belt tearing as I was pulled from the vehicle left a bruise across my chest. All of the muscles in my body ached and I was having trouble breathing.
“Dad, help me!†I yelled out. “Starr, calm down…†Dad said as another person appeared out of thin air ripping his door from its hinges. “Leave him alone,†I yelled. I kicked the man that was holding me right behind the knee. He fell to the ground for a mere second, which was all I needed, I ran towards my dad. The moment I reached my father the man grabbed me by the throat just hard enough to keep me still but, not hard enough to drain my life. He turned me around to face the woman. She was just as beautiful as he was. She had deep crystal blue eyes, long wavy blond hair; she was petite with the perfect curves. She was what every woman dreamt of being. She was confident. “She’s a handful,†the man said to her. “Tristan, she will be more powerful than you or I, of course she’s a handful,†the woman said. I took a deep breath; she will be more powerful than you or I? I repeated the words in my head. I had no idea what she was talking about. I am fifteen years old, I’m just a kid.
In a moment I snapped back to reality. The only thing I was sure of was the moment. My captor, Tristan, had me by the throat facing the woman who had my father by the throat. I heard a loud bang and within seconds the sky around us had turned grey. It was so grey it was almost black. In the center of that blackness the clouds were spinning so fast it looked as though a tornado was forming. The woman looked to the sky and a vortex opened. It seemed to resemble a portal of some kind. I could see purple, blue, and white flashes of color with in it. The woman had a look of content on her face. She looked over to Tristan and said “it is time.†He held on tighter and forced my gaze into the direction of the woman. The next thing I noticed the woman had a knife to my father’s throat. “No,†I screamed. “Leave him alone!†Tristan held onto me tighter. I kicked backwards at him; I tried to kick myself free. The more I squirmed, the tighter he held on to me. In one quick smooth motion the woman slit my father’s throat. Blood ran from his neck down the front of him. I heard another loud bang and Tristan let me go as he and the woman floated into the center of the storm. Almost simultaneously, as I heard the loud noise I hit the ground hard. I scrambled to my feet and ran over to my dad. He was laying there covered in blood. I tore a piece off of the bottom of my shirt and tried to apply pressure to the cut in his throat but it wasn’t working. “Starr,†he said “I’m sorry…†He started choking and gasping for breath and as I held him in my arms I saw the light escape his eyes. He was gone.
I sat there crying for what seemed like hours. The exhaustion was catching up with me. I couldn’t cry anymore, I couldn’t stay awake. As I lay on the asphalt next to my father, I curled up to him and whispered, “I love you dad!†Just as soon as I said it, the sky had cleared and a piece of debris hit me in my head and knocked me unconscious.
When I woke up, I was lying in a hospital bed with no recollection of how I’d gotten there. I tried to sit up, but every muscle in my body hurt. My chest felt like a weight was pressing down on top of it and my head felt like it was going to explode. I looked down at my left arm and there was an IV there. There was an oxygen mask on my face, which I took off immediately after I realized it was there. There was a woman talking to a doctor in the hallway. I knew they were talking about me because they kept pointing in the room towards my general direction and whispering in low voices as if they were afraid I would hear them. I looked towards the window to my left and noticed the sun. It was day light. The sun was beaming into my room, it beamed right onto the tip of my nose and caused my immediate reaction, I sneezed. The woman and the doctor stopped talking and looked at me for a moment amazed to see that I was awake. As the woman turned to look into the room, I nearly recognized her. She had long curly dark red hair, bright green eyes; she was fairly tall and curvy. She had a tiny little nose with a piercing and she had a bright full smile. Is that my mom? It can’t be she died when I was three, I said to myself. At that moment, the woman must have understood the confused expression on my face, because she and the doctor walked into the room.
“Starr, How are you feeling?†the doctor asked. I replied, “I feel okay I guess. I mean my head is killing me, I feel weak, and my chest feels like a building is sitting on top of it.†The doctor looked at me as though he were taking in every word I said. “Do you remember what happened,†asked the doctor? “No,†I lied. I remembered everything that happened before I was knocked unconscious, though I wasn’t stupid enough to tell the doctor. He’d think I was crazy, probably lock me up in a nut house for the rest of my life. “What’s wrong with me?†I finally asked. “You have a mild concussion, three broken ribs, and a huge gash on your leg that is going to take some time to heal,†the doctor replied. “How long have I been out?†I asked. “Two weeks,†the doctor said. What had happened to me? How was I knocked out for two weeks with no recollection of anything that happened after my father was killed? Two weeks! My birthday is in two days, this is great! I thought to myself. The doctor asked me a few more questions and then walked out of the room to consult with the team of doctors who had been working on me.
The woman had stayed behind; she had a bright smile on her face. She approached me and as she got closer I realized she was more beautiful up close. Her face had perfect form, her eyes were a perfect bright green color, her smile was full and bright, and she had this sense of confidence I’d seen before. I saw it in the woman that killed my father. Who was this woman and what did she want? Almost as if she had read my thoughts she spoke, “Hello Starr, I’m Clarissa Sinclair. I’m your mother’s sister, which makes me your aunt.†“Um… I didn’t know my mom had a sister,†I said to her. “Your father never told you about me?†She asked. “No, he didn’t talk about mom much at all let alone her family,†I said. She thought over my words for a moment before speaking again. “I find it strange that he didn’t tell you about me when you were headed to my house to stay indefinitely,†she said. “Wait you live in North Carolina? Why were we coming to live with you?†I asked. She thought again about what I had asked her, not sure if she wanted to tell me the answer that was truth, or the answer that I wanted to hear. “Your father was bringing you to my house to ensure your safety. He was going to drop you off and try to take care of the threat so that you would no longer be in harm’s way,†she said. I looked at her dumbfounded and confused for a moment. I let what she had said sink in, and then I thought about her words and the words of the woman who took my father’s life. Clarissa saw the look on my face, she knew it all too well the look of confusion. She said, “I know you are confused and I’m sure you have a lot of questions. What do you say we get the doctor and see how long before I can take you home? I’ll answer any of your questions after we leave this place. I hate hospitals.†After a few moments of starring at her, “sure,†I agreed.
After what seemed like forever, Clarissa returned with the doctor on her heals. I looked from the doctor to her and then back again. “We are going to keep you here overnight for observation since you are now awake. If everything stays the same we will allow for you to leave with your aunt tomorrow,†the doctor said. In my mind I protested. I hated doctors and hospitals and anything that was related to either. “Okay,†I agreed. The doctor left the room again and Clarissa pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down next to me. She stared at me for a moment and then she said, “Starr, you look just like your mother.†“Funny, I was going to say the same thing about you,†I retorted. Clarissa got up from the chair and started walking towards the door. “Clarissa, thank you for coming all this way,†I said. “You’re welcome sweetie, get some rest, tomorrow we will go home and we can talk. I’ll be right out here if you need me,†she said. As the door closed, I felt myself growing fond of her. Something about her drew me to her and I couldn’t quite figure out what that was. As my mind was racing about things that were unknown, my body gave way and I drifted off in to slumber land not knowing what an adventure the coming days were going to bring me.
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